pumpkins on my porch and a pumpkin in my belly....

cody and i went out to eat tonight and then to buy some last minute things for tricks and treats tomorrow. have been careful not to go crazy buying pumpkins this year like i did last. did get a few fairytale pumpkins for my porch though. can't help it. i love pumpkins! they're so fat and jolly- makes me happy to see them. gonna be mother nature for halloween. perfect as i am feeling very ripe and motherly right now. tonight i was telling cody that all i want to do is feed everyone, tuck them in to bed and read them a story. in two weeks we get to meet our bean. little cody james. cj. been making stars and snowflakes and taping them to the wall around his crib. hanging little white lights around his window and the cushy chair we ordered is finally here. life moves so fast doesn't it?

3:30 in the morning.....

so i have some serious heartburn, my bean has hiccups, it's 3:30am and i don't think i'm sleeping for a while. that's ok. will write instead. have been feeling more and more prego every day. these last weeks are really different for me. went to put my running shoes on and i can't reach the laces. try to get up in the morning and i have to rock a few times side to side to get up the momentum- we just laugh though. love this belly. love this boy. get to quit work in a few weeks. figure at nine months i'll want to start resting more. ohhhhhh...but how i'll miss my sweet babies at the preschool. makes me teary and heartsick. crazy how attached i am. the other day i was giving kate too many kisses (she's so cute i want to cuss) and i thought, 'i hope i love my baby as much as i love you!' cody keeps buying books for bean. last night he read us 'cloudy with a chance of meatballs'- he's so excited. just keep praying that everything is smooth for our birth. gonna be an experience for sure. k- i've got to try to sleep now. here's hoping.

september in mesa....blah!

k- most of the time i really do try to stay positive but september here blows! i should be pulling out my fall jackets and my scarves and wearing tights and boots and getting all excited about the leaves changing and the smell of cold and crisp on the verge. nope. it's 109 degrees outside right now. doesn't help that i'm already a giant oven- busy cooking a baby bun. cody and i have been laughing so hard lately though. the kind of laughs that make me wheeze. i love it. am enjoying the bradley classes with him too. feels good to have my friend with me. get kinda nervous when i think about how close we are to having this baby but i have so much faith in cody and my body and our little boy. we set up the crib- simple, with soft, clean, white sheets of course. and we got our car seat in the mail. so cute. part of me just really loved that the color's called 'black licorice'. i'm so practical right? still amazed at how much stuff a tiny little person needs though. cody and i have had several freak out moments-when you think about how much growing you still have to make as an individual let alone as a parent. how does God do it? how does He trust us so much with His sweet babies? He probably has freak out moments too.

my sweet boys...

we're having a boy! he's been jumping around in my belly for the last couple of weeks- it's funny cause i'm so aware of him now like i never was before. he already has his habits. like waking me up at 3:00am. our little boy is so sweet to me though- i feel like this has been such a gentle pregnancy. i have'nt been sick or in pain and sometimes when he's moving i'm overwhelmed by emotion that i can't describe. my heart literally aches. cody has signed up with me to take bradley birthing classes. we've been talking to our doctor and are planning a natural birth. went back and forth about having our bean at home but we feel good about choosing the hospital. wow- six months already. can't wait to meet him.

dream work

found this book today as cody and i were rearranging our shelves- mary oliver is one of my favorites- the move to arizona was a lonely one and this poem is so comforting to me- if you didn't already know what the deal was with the title to my blog, here you go...

wild geese

you do not have to be good.
you do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
you only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
tell me about despair, yours, and i will tell you mine.
meanwhile the world goes on.
meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting-
over and over announcing you place
in the family of things.


cody and i had the best talk last night. have been a little sad because i feel like, as happy as i am to be his wife and as happy as i am to be having this little baby, i'm missing something. i feel as though i've lost a little of myself and don't know how to get it back. was thinking that i want to be the kind of parents that give our kids permission to go after the things that they're passionate about- the only way that can be is by living that way ourselves- i want to be more than mother and wife-
he said that no matter what i decide to do- he's behind me 100%- i love this man- made me cry- it's about seeing life in front of you and chasing it- can't wait to see where we are next year-

our little island

this has been a rough week for cody and i. lost a friend and a family member last weekend and we've so wanted to be home in salt lake to mourn with the people that mean the most to us. more and more i feel the blessing of having a husband who is my friend and my constant companion. we are a little island here in arizona and when things are so sad and far away we have each other to cling to. been busy working at the preschool all week. i get to kiss fat, squirmy babies all day and then come home and kiss my husband. it's nice. next month we find out if we're having a boy or a girl. still hard to believe there's a baby in there.

flagstaff and sedona- oh i'm sewwwwwwww happa....

we drove up to flagstaff and sedona yesterday- was so happy to get out of mesa and to feel cold, crisp mountain air- i actually cried. cody took his skis up to see if he could catch any last minute spring snow and he totally lucked out. it's beautiful right now. i hiked and wandered and read my book and watched a woodpecker and was so grateful to be outside and to feel healthy. went to a little diner in town and pigged out on cheap yummy burgers and fries then headed to sedona to explore some more. that place is gorgeous. a little community tucked into green trees and huge redrock cliffs. even the birds seemed ridiculously happy. i think it will be our escape from now on. once a month we'll take two days to go north to get away from the heat and enjoy the mountains.
mother's day is tomorrow. cody and i water-colored some cards and made funny little envelopes for the many special women in our lives. cried as i wrote in some of them. i cry a lot lately. mom's will do that to me though. we just love them so much.

one year and one month....

thinking about my first anniversary with cody. i can't believe it's been over a year. i was thinking about him this morning- i think a lot about him when he's away from me- was remembering my first 4th of july at his parents house in plain city. we'd been dating for 6 months. we watched the fireworks from an alfalfa field near his old high school. i was so inlove with him then and scared to death about it. this last march was our one year wedding anniversary. i can't believe how much i love him now. and we're having a baby! a little person that's part me and part cody. his mom brought his baby book on their recent visit and all i could think about was what this little bean in my belly might look like in 6 months. i hope baby has his dark hair and cute nose- my ears and cody's energy. what a blessed life. even better because we have such amazing family to share it with.

ahhhh....yoga

last night i went to a new studio to try a flow class- i love the sweat that sneaks up on you when you're doing yoga- it's gentle and it makes me feel beautiful. cody's away for the week and i'm missing him like crazy- am filling my time with everything familiar- yoga, general conference-(ohhh, so comforting), early mornings at the temple, baking and baking and baking- i crave whatever reminds me of home- been talking a lot to the bean. i even bought a children's book yesterday- 'red sings from treetops'- getting ahead of myself i know but i couldn't help it- it's so colorful and the pictures are lovely, lovely. hope to visit salt lake soon- for cody's birthday maybe?....i married a good man.

little bean....

cody and i found out this week that we have a little bean on the way. it's been a rollercoaster for sure. we knew something was up about a month ago but i wanted to see and be sure so i went to the crisis pregnancy center for an ultrasound. it's a real 'praise jesus' kind of place and they insist on praying with you at the end of every visit but their kindness made me cry with relief. it's hard, in a new place, not to worry about where to go and who to see. so anyways...away we go. we saw the little heart beating- fast and strong. i can't stop smiling- am refusing to read too much about the process- makes me crazy. i just want to trust my body to do what is natural and right. it feels good to give so much happiness to our families too.

snow in arizona

cody and i escaped a couple of hours north and did some skiing- ahhhhhh, finally. i just loved it. loved it. snow softens everything- and the fact that we can find it two hours away is comforting. i'm just so homesick lately. grateful for friends who keep in touch and for a visit from my parents this weekend.

our new roomies....i'm freaking

so i found roaches in our kitchen last night- i'm freaking out! i was afraid to go to the kitchen later for ice cream- worried that i'd turn the light on and there'd be roaches everywhere. haven't seen them since i lived in arkansas. argh! can't wait to poison the crap out of them. seriously feeling violent right now- i shudder every time i think about them. ohhhhh- my cute, cute, little kitchen. sad.
p.s. blue bell ice cream almost makes you forget about disgusting bugs in the kitchen....almost.

lame...totally lame

one thing about arizona that makes me want to run my car into anything in my way- the crappy photo cops and sensors on the stop lights. argh! cody and i got a $200 dollar ticket for going 12 miles over the speed limit- $200! got the ticket in the mail today with a copy of his picture. have'nt told him yet- figured i'd let him finish work before i stress him out. blah! just when you think you're gonna make it thru the month without having to ration the last of the eggs and milk.

sweet sarah

had dinner with sarah randall last night. she's the kindest person i know. really. i've never met anyone so good. i knew she'd love cody instantly and that he'd love her. we were both missionaries in arkansas together and we laughed and talked about our lives and ate cheesecake. her boyfriend mike is great of course. so glad to be near her and to have her to call when i'm feeling a little lost. sometimes you just need a girlfriend.
the job hunt is slow. hoping to be in school soon too so that i can be moving toward something more exciting. working with sick people will wear me out if i'm not doing other things that make me happy. have to admit i was always better at school- i loved it.
moving in to the house on thursday. finally. will be sad to leave the desert and the coyote's though. back to the city for a while.

movin on up...to the west side

we found a place here- a little duplex near the temple. everyone's been telling us to stay away from that part of town but the rent is cheap and considering our neighborhood in salt lake....ain't no thing. plus there's a yard and a white picket fence. right now they're ripping down the wallpaper and painting the place for us. it'll be nice to move in and finally get settled. already found yellow, flowery curtains for the kitchen. cody's loving his job more and more too. today we had lunch and i met some of the people he'll be working with. it's nice to see him comfortable and excited about his work. don't think that happens for many people. his focus and determination are a relief to me. helps to keep me moving.

dessert and the desert

i bought six, giant, heart-shaped, sugar cookies for cody for valentines day. we were going to have one and give the rest to the nice man from church who's been helping us find a house to rent. we ate the whole box. that happens alot. looks like brother dowdy's getting a thank-you card. we went and played in the desert yesterday- will post some pictures soon. so pretty but at one point we had to bushwack through a bunch of catclaw mimosas (horrible, miserable plants) and we scratched ourselves up really good. ahhh the desert. looking for a job here. wish me luck!

jed and amy making a world

last night cody and i went up to holbrook to celebrate a wedding with some friends. it felt nice to see a few familiar faces and to see amy and jed so happy. there's a quote that reads, "two people who belong together make a world." that about sums it up i think. what a sweet, little party with so many friends and family who love them and are happy for them. tomorrow is valentine's day- also the day arizona became a state back in 1912- interesting- but not really. busy planning a yummy dinner for cody. he's my favorite.

arizona

because i'm having a hard time falling in love with arizona, here are a list of 5 things that have made the idea seem possible...
1. orange groves everywhere we look and that means fresh-squeezed orange juice any time i want...yum!
2. the desert- love the desert. mornings here are so clean and crisp i feel happy to wake up- that rarely happens.
3. stars. can see millions of 'em. two nights ago cody and i watched the slowest and brightest shooting star split the sky in half. it was crazy and made us laugh like kids-we were so excited.
4. the random couple that saw cody and i looking at houses for rent and invited us in to their home for dinner. feels nice to be taken care of so easily by complete strangers.
5. cody. home is where he is. i think i can love just about anything when he's around.